If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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