Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
