And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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