Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
