Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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