There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
