So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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