I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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