I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
