You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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