I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
