i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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