Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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