see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
