You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
