We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
