Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
