I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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