did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
