The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
