i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
