He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
