Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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