Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
