I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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