You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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