is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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