Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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