You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
