I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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