Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
