I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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