If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
