You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
