Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
