A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
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