I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
