I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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