If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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