my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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