I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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