the condom got lost in my hair
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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