it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
