That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
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I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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