i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
