i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
