I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have so many feelings about this burrito
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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