remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"