Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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