Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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