i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How naked do you want me to be?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
