I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
