At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
