No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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