I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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