When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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