for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
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Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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